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Human relations
Improving human relations is no trivial matter. The other plays
an important role in our success and we must recognize that we
need what he has to offer. This chapter will present principles
and methods for improving human relations, which will help us
attain this success. It could be said that achieving improved
human relations is a necessary step towards to an amended
society.
Basic
principles and techniques
The basis
of this principle is to furnish the other with something he
needs in return for something you need and in so doing, making
both sides happy. Namely, you provide your friend with a special
spiritual food and in return, he bestows you with friendship,
cooperation, love, recognition, esteem and so forth. By means of
this attitude, to a certain extent, it is also possible to
supervise his activities, positions and reactions.
The
special spiritual sustenance involved, consists of those
expressions which raise man's importance. In effect, you cause
the other to accept that he matters to you and that it is
worthwhile for him to listen to you since you have something of
importance to give him. If you know how to do this, you will
earn his friendship and attain his cooperation and much more
beyond that.
These
techniques are constructed in such a way that the "ego
wholeness" will not be harmed by either side. At the same time,
they come to supply that spiritual food and to cause the
other to provide what the one who turns to him wishes.
Due to
man's imperfection, these techniques may be applied to the
other's benefit as well as to his detriment. They could work to
his detriment if the one applying them has a
low self-esteem and
would work to his benefit if the one who applies them has a
high self-esteem. This is how a high degree of
self-esteem becomes a key to
the creation of an amended society.
The
use of improved human relations is ancient.
We find it in various literary expressions, in the select
language in which a man turns to his superiors. We find a true
approach of expressing these relations in our Bible, in the
communication between God and man and between man and God. As
mentioned earlier, such methods of approach were developed due
to the need one side had of getting something from the other.
Despite its long existence, it is not sufficiently widespread.
Principles of psychology and communication for improving human
relations
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A hungry ego is a predatory ego. Only when this
hunger is sated, at least in part, can man shift his
attention to the other; only then will he cooperate
with him, agree with him and understand him better.
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If you are at peace with yourself, you are at peace
with others; and if you don't have a high
self-esteem, you cannot feel affection towards
others.
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People mostly act on the basis of raising their self
importance and refrain from action due to their fear
of lowering it. If you failed in convincing someone
to act logically, try persuading him that through
this course of action he will raise his
self-importance.
Don't
speculate about your partner's spiritual needs. Give him the
necessary food and you will be repaid several times over.
Give
the other a "personal reason" to assist you, express your
need of his help. Turn to him from a position of "weakness".
This position will provide you with advantages; in addition,
you will be more open to receiving the necessary assistance
and will enable the other to give it to you.
When you enter into an argument with the other, always ask
yourself: does it really matter if you're right. If you
prove it, you might hurt his self-importance and achieve the
opposite results
Attitudes which elevate self
importance
We must
not only feel important, but also feel that others recognize and
affirm our self importance. Of-course, we also have to make others
understand that we recognize and affirm their importance. Nobody
can constantly keep his self-importance
high for a long period (a
condition that is so crucial to his improved feeling and
functioning) if everyone he meets treats him as worthless.
Stick to the attitude that every person is important
because he was born in God's image and automatically you
will approach the other with greater appreciation and
respect. The most influential and successful people are
those who believe in the importance of others.
The best way of bringing the other to recognize
your self importance is to make him understand that
he is important to you.
Do not underestimate
the value of small things, such as courtesy, and do
not be stingy in their expression.
Do not be late to meetings because in doing so
you lessen the other's importance as well as the
importance of the meeting itself.
Find qualities in the other which can raise his
self importance and express them in a flattering fashion.
Additional
principles that elevate our importance
Pay
attention to people:
We unconsciously pay attention to what is important to us. When
we are noticed, it flatters us greatly and raises our
importance. This also means that the other recognizes our
importance.
Form a
habit of paying attention to the other, because he is of high
value. Give honest expression to his self importance, according to
the numerous examples in this sub-chapter. When you are in
company, attract the attention of those present in their order
of importance, turning to each one personally using his name.
Accept
the other:
All of us, without exception, long to be accepted as we are.
This affirms our importance. It is one of man's most powerful
yearnings. Most of us tend to pretend when we are in company,
placing us under great spiritual stress. Few are the people who
dare to behave as they truly are. We do so owing to our fear of
rejection. Therefore, when the other is prepared to accept you
as you are, it eases your tension considerably and thereby
allows you to be real. Most of us are drawn to such a person.
Don't
impose stringent criteria for accepting the other. Let him be
genuine. People who accept others as they are have a great
influence over their improvement. People tend to value
themselves more negatively than their true worth. Acceptance by
the other may bring him to the conclusion that he isn't so bad,
encouraging him to accept himself and, in doing so, to improve.
Affirming
the other:
Means
recognizing his positive qualities and bringing them into
expression. In doing this, you approve his qualities and at the
same time, you affirm the person as a whole.
We hunger
to discover and affirm the other's positive qualities,
apparently in order for him to discover and affirm our own
positive qualities. You will always be able to find something
positive and genuine about the other to affirm. It is not
necessary to affirm something of particular significance in
order to satisfy this hunger. Choose something which may
surprise him, stress that you affirm it. When your friend gets a
taste of your sincere affirmations, he will greatly improve his
attitude towards you. In doing so, you will also attain
friendship, cooperation and much more besides.
Agree
with the other:
We like
people who agree with us. Someone who agrees with us affirms our
self-importance by it. Before expressing disagreement, ask
yourself: does it really matter whether the other is right or
not. If you prove he isn't, you will injure his prized
self-esteem and may achieve the opposite of what you expected.
Therefore, seek in the other those qualities and positions with
which you agree and express this agreement at a suitable
opportunity. With this attitude, you will earn the other's trust
and he will deliver what you wish to know. This is one of the
most efficient ways of convincing your friend that you are one
of the smartest and wisest people he has ever met. This is also
an efficient way of making friends.
Appreciate the other:
We all hunger for
such appreciation. We're drawn to people who find something of
value in us and express their appreciation. The higher a
person's self-esteem, the more naturally he expresses
appreciation. At least one admirable quality can be found in any
person. Ensure this quality shall be from a field that can be
pointed to; for example from the field of action or of
intelligent thought. Express your appreciation of this quality
and you will be generously rewarded.
Praise
people:
Every
person requires true praise. A person who wins such praise
senses and extraordinary flow of positive energy; this brings
him to experience satisfaction, joy, happiness and gratitude.
Each of us has something praise-worthy. Be generous in your
praise and don't wait for something special to happen in order
to do so. Your praise to people will cause them to do
more for you in order to win further praise.
In the
past, psychologists sought a formula which would help people to
be happier. The formula arrived at was: "stop finding fault in
others". One of the hallmarks of the neurotic and unhappy is
that they suffer from being overcritical, in other words,
they're on the look-out for flaws in others. Looking for
positive things in others will bring to a decrease or even to a
vanishing of these negative feelings and to the appearance of
positive ones
.
Two rules of giving praise to people:
The praise has to be genuine in order to be accepted.
Praise a particular quality of a person, or some action he
performed, an idea he thought of, a position he holds and so
forth – not the person as a whole. This way, the praise is
specific and the receiver can examine whether he indeed deserves
it and will try to be worthy of it.
Thank the other:
Gratitude, like
praise, also has to be real and should relate to something
specific. Express your gratitude clearly; infuse it with life
and emotion; endow it with special character. Don't stammer,
approach the other personally – state his name and look into his
eyes. If the matter at hand involves meeting several people,
turn to each separately according to his rank of importance,
with a personal addition. Find things to thank them for; turn
this attitude into a habit. Showing gratitude is an uncommon
quality amongst people, but if you adopt it, you will become
special in others' eyes with all its accompanying advantages.
Listen to
the other:
One of the
nicest compliments you can pay the other is in listening to him.
In doing so, you send him the message that his words are
important to you. This message raises his importance and
self-esteem and affirms them. People will tell you everything
you wish if only you listen to them attentively. There is a sure
way of convincing the other that you are one of the smartest and
wisest people, and that is to listen with interest.
The ability to listen
to your partner with concentration and interest is perhaps the
most efficient spiritual mechanism for getting closer to people
and earning their trust and friendship. To increase the effect,
actively join in the conversation, nodding your head when you
agree with him. Feel empathy towards your interlocutor, use his
words to reach your own points, such as: "as you noted…". Don't
interrupt his talk, and don't try changing the topic in the
middle; instead, request further detail on this or on that.
When you listen to
the other, you can also locate his position. This is in
widespread use as a business strategy, for example, by "spurring
him on" to continue talking, you discover his true position
before he discovers your own. People called "mind readers" are
actually people who encourage the other to talk while they
themselves keep quiet; they know that if they let the other talk
enough, his true feelings and intentions will be revealed.
Increasing the other's cooperation through accepting his ideas
"A
person does not fully assist and cooperate unless he is given
the possibility of expressing his ideas too".
This is a
basic psychological conclusion. If you ask someone for purely
physical assistance, he may turn you down on the grounds that
it's your own problem; but if you request ideas for solving the
problem, he will see it as an opportunity for raising his
self-importance and will accept your request as a challenge.
Thus, your problem will become his problem too.
"People defend what they create and what they help to create".
This psychological rule follows from the first one. A person who
contributes his ideas to some creation, tends to feel possessive
about it. The creation becomes valuable to him and therefore, a
desire to defend it is awakened.
Seek a
field in which the other can contribute some of his ideas.
Present your problem; express your need for his help. Ask his
opinion about it; ask how he would go about it or what he would
do in your place in this matter. When you let him voice his
ideas, not only are you rewarded with assistance for solving
your problem but you also gain a friend, since you helped him
feel important.
Areas in
which
increasing cooperation is particularly useful
At work:
sharing employees in
management and hearing out their ideas, usually leads to an
increase in their motivation and with it, to increased
production.
In the family: Having all the family members share in the
running of the household, leads to an increase of responsibility
on the part of all family members and due to that, to a more
efficient solution of problems, which couldn't otherwise be
solved.
For example: At set periods of time, a family gathering is held,
with the father acting as the chairman. He presents each problem
and asks the participants for proposals for solving them. Each
one can present his ideas. Ultimately, the father decides which
to use. It is amazing to see children's increasing cooperation when they
are given an equal right to voice their opinions, remarks and
solutions.
Further
approaches to improving human relations
Human relations sometimes reach a crisis since each side is
scared of making the first step. The fear is of hurting the ego.
You fear you might be rejected and therefore hide in a sort of
tunnel where you can't get hurt. This behavior paves the way to
the other's reacting in a similar fashion. And so, each side is
afraid to initiate.
In order
to overcome this obstacle, when turning to the other for the
first time, determine that he is friendly towards you and
approach him this way. This will encourage the other to respond
with the same amiability. When you predetermine the other is
friendly towards you, you're released from the fear of being
hurt and begin to act rather than preoccupying yourself with
self-defense. Most people yearn for friendliness, and if they
don't seem that way, it's due to their fear of hurting their
ego. Don't request amicability like a beggar. Your fears and
doubts about the reaction you will receive deter the other and
pave the way to an unfriendly response.
Smile to people
A genuine
smile is a sort of magic switch, lighting up feelings of
friendship in the other. This brings about his responding with a
similar smile. A genuine smile is an attractive smile. With such
a smile, all the facial features change, something which doesn't
happen when the smile is faked. A genuine smile relieves much of
the sorrow and anger in you and accentuates much of your charm.
The more you smile the more you open up emotionally. Each of us
has been blessed with such a smile.
Smile to people when you ask a favor
– The other's wish to respond to your request will
grow several-fold.
Smile to people when you receive a favor – In doing so, you
show your gratitude and appreciation of your benefactor.
– In so
doing, you state that your giving is an act of love.
Remember some pleasant thing – And instinctively, a
smile will appear on your face.
Form a habit of greeting the other with a genuine smile .
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Our attitude towards others determines their attitude
towards us.
Earl Nightingale
As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest
appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them
John
F. Kennedy
Gratitude is not only the greatest of
virtues, but the parent of all the others
Cicero
If you wish to know the mind of a man,
listen to his words.
Wolfgang
von Goethe
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